I woke up at 25 +6 with pains, when I arrived at hospital I was given the news that I was in labour and 3cm dilated. They couldn't stop it, only slowed it. After numerous tests, 24 hours later it was decided that they needed to deliver my baby ASAP as there was an infection eating the umbilical cord. I was terrified. My baby had 40% chance of survival. Before I knew it my baby was being whisked away from me, no cuddle and only a brief look at her. My heart broke. It felt like forever until I could see her and I sobbed when I did. Wire's everywhere, nurses speaking a language I didn't understand and a feeling of hopelessness, guilt and shame. Questions swirled in my head; why has this happened? Why me? Is it my body? Could I of done anything to stop it? The questions went on and on, for years, and still sometimes today.

As the days went on, I began to learn things and become involved more in my babies care. It was never easy, she had a PDA which is an extra opening in her heart, Collapsed lungs, MRSA, ROP, laser surgery, the list was endless. Each time I felt we were progressing, something happened and would set her back. Each setback got harder, wondering would it ever end? Would my baby ever be better? Would she ever come home? Going home on my own each evening was the hardest, my baby should of been with me, yet I had to leave her with strangers. Them strangers eventually became family, other parents became friends for life and over time my girl got better and finally came home. 11 weeks later, I again cried, happy, terrified, felt like I was leaving my family behind to do it on my own with people who had no idea what I had been through.

My little girl is now 5, 6 in August. She is amazing, she has problems from prematurity, and we are still discovering new problems today, but she is happy, she is safe and she is here! I am thankful every day that she survived. It is not an easy journey, I still suffer from PTSD to this day from my experience, but its made me strong and my little girl even stronger. Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel, it may be in the distance for some but it does get closer. 5 years on and I am finally starting to feel like I'm reaching my light.

Hayley Fitzsimmons Hayleyfitzsimmons@hotmail.com Yes Yes